


love as we should not love

by bitterwholesomegay



Category: Autoboyography - Christina Lauren
Genre: Canon-Typical Homophobia, Gen, Inspired by Real Events, M/M, Mormonism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 11:58:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16681204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitterwholesomegay/pseuds/bitterwholesomegay
Summary: Church leadership publicly says homophobic things. Sebastian responds in varying ways as he learns that he is loved.





	love as we should not love

**Author's Note:**

> in which i am, again, all of the characters involved 
> 
> title from an actual real thing the president of the lds church intentionally said in public
> 
> EDITED to fix the parts that i accidentally left in that i had to edit, which i promptly....forgot to edit.

_February 19, 2018_

 

Tanner unlocks Sebastian’s apartment door with the key Sebastian gave him last month. “Hey babe, wha—” he stops short when he sees Sebastian, sitting on the couch and staring blankly at the wall. He looks like he’s been crying.

 

He drops his bag and rushes over to his boyfriend. “Babe, what’s wrong? Is everything okay?”

 

Sebastian wordlessly hands Tanner his phone, not even looking at Tanner.

 

**_Satan tempts us to ‘love as we should not love,’ LDS prophet Russell M. Nelson warns Mormon millennials_ **

 

_Satan tempts us to ‘love as we should not love,’ LDS prophet Russell M. Nelson warns Mormon millennials_

 

_“These appetites are absolutely essential for the perpetuation of life. So, what does the adversary do?” Nelson asked. “He attacks us through our appetites. He tempts us to eat things we should not eat, to drink things we should not drink, and to love as we should not love.”_

 

“Oh. God, that’s... Are you okay?”

 

“I mean. Maybe? I think? I just...I really thought I was doing what’s right for me. And now… I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this really is just me not being strong enough to resist temptation,” Sebastian says dejectedly.

 

Tanner is flooded with anger, not at Sebastian, but at the people who have made his beautiful boyfriend feel this kind of shame and guilt for being who he is.

 

“Seb,” Tanner says firmly, “you’re a good person. A really good, kind, thoughtful person. Like really really good.”

 

“I dunno, what if that’s not enough?”

 

“Enough for… what? For who? For God?” Sebastian nods. “I mean, I don’t know shit about any god or what they might want. I’m not sure anybody really does.”

 

“The prophet does,” Sebastian says. He doesn’t sound quite convinced, but from prior conversations about ‘the one true church’, Tanner’s learned that this isn’t something people raised LDS let go of easily.

 

“I really don’t think anyone can speak so surely about this, but maybe you should talk to Emily or my mom about this. I don’t know what the shit I’m talking about, but maybe they would have better advice.”

  


Emily: ugh i’m sorry kid. what’s the latest?

 

Sebastian: president nelson said that satan tempts us to ‘love as we should not love’

 

Emily: oh is he the president now. when did that happen

 

Sebastian: pretty recently

 

Emily: huh. i didn’t even hear about that, how neat is that.

 

Sebastian: neat?

 

Emily: i mean, just like. i used to be So plugged into this whole conversation, and now i don’t even know who the goddamn prophet is. how neat. anyways, yeah that’s….a really awful thing for him to say.

 

Sebastian: yeah.

 

Emily: i mean, that’s Our language. that’s how _we_ talk about our sexualities. they usually just fuck around with their ‘SSA’ shit. that’s fucked.

 

Sebastian: yeah. yeah, i guess.

 

Emily: no, it Is. it means they’ve heard what we have to say and instead of listening, they’re just turning on it’s head. like, god. all the commandments are about love, either loving god or loving one another. to say that ‘loving as we should not love’ is a sin, that’s really fucked up. you’re not doing a single thing wrong by loving tanner. or by loving any other damn boy you might fall in love with. you genuinely are perfect just the way you are, Sebastian. i want you to know that.

 

Sebastian: thank you, Emily. that’s really kind of you to say.

 

Emily: i mean it. i’m not just saying it, i really truly believe that.

 

Emily: i’m venmo’ing you money for pizza and ice cream, btw

 

Sebastian: ????

 

Emily: sounds like you need it, emotionally. so. go buy some comfort food, kid.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_October 6, 2018_

 

Fall 2018 is the first general conference he decides not to watch. He’s taken a step back from the church, and is trying to distract himself when he gets a text from his little sister asking him if he’s okay.

  


Sebastian: uhhhhh more or less, i guess. why?

 

Jen: president oaks just said that the plan of salvation Requires us to oppose gay marriage. it’s, like, inevitable that pushback happens and we have to double down on our beliefs.

 

Sebastian: oh.

 

Jen: and i just wanted to make sure you were okay. i know this stuff can be...hurtful. for you.

 

Jen: ttyl, mom’s yelling at me for texting during conference

 

Sebastian: okay, ttyl. thanks for checking on me.

  


Sebastian tries not to think too much about what President Oaks said. He tries, instead, to focus on that his sister thought to reach out to him. He hadn’t been watching conference, but his sister didn’t know that. He hadn’t told anyone but Tanner that he decided not to watch conference this weekend. Telling people made leaving the church feel Real, and that felt absolutely Terrifying. So his sister thought he was watching conference and thought to text him when an apostle said something homophobic. He doesn’t quite know how to process this information.

 

-

 

4:03 PM [incoming call Jen Brother]

 

“Sorry it took me so long to call you bro, I wanted to call you after morning session, but Mom quickly put me to work doing lunch prep and then we did our normal go around and talk about the talks thing, which…. um. yeah. and then by the time we finished...that…. it was time for afternoon session.

 

“Jen, did something happen?”

 

“Uh, yeah… I kind of got into it with Mom?”

 

“Jen, what….Why? Was she that mad at you not paying to conference?”

 

“No ya dingo. Well, that’s how it started. She asked at lunch what was ‘so important that I couldn’t listen when the prophet’s counselor speaks’. I said I was texting, and Dad asked who, and I said you, and like. It was so weird. The room, like, froze. And Dad asked why, and I said to check if you were okay. And they kind of just….sat there for a minute?

 

“And then Mom asked me if I...if I, like actually believed in the church or not. She asked me if I sustain President Oaks and the rest of the apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators. And I said yeah, and started to be like ‘but they’re also human and humans make mistakes’ and she interrupted me and was like ‘no. If you do, you do. No buts. You can still love your brother, but you cannot support him in the decisions he’s making.’

 

“And like? That’s such crap, Sebastian! I’m so sick of their ‘love the sinner, hate the sin’ _bullshit_ ! Like, you’re not a sinner, Seb. Not because of who you love. I _refuse_ to believe that.

 

“And I told mom as much and she was…less than pleased. and I was, uh, also less than pleased about her response. And then Dad got mad at me for talking to my mother like that and ‘using language like that in his house’, and I was about to tell him what i thought of _that_ when we heard organ music from the living room where we had left the TV on. So instead of resolving anything, we just went back and watched afternoon session.

 

“And like, Seb. I could _feel_ the tension. It was Bad. I swear they were trying to, like, idk, will the speakers to talk about obeying your parents. Or something. I don’t know. I honestly didn’t hear that much, I was so _pissed_. As soon as the closing prayer was over, I came upstairs and called you.”

 

“Jen, I. I don’t know what to say. That…. Thank you.”

 

“Thank you for…. being a decent person and telling people when they’re being dumb?”

 

“No, for--well, yeah, but like. For standing up for me. That’s, uh, that’s not something I thought I’d get. If I ever, you know, came out.”

 

“Seb, of course I stood up for you. and I’m going to keep standing up for you. Not to get like, too sappy and gross, but you’re literally one of the best people I know. I don’t know where the heck they get off, thinking you’re a sinner. Cos if you’re a sinner then i’m screwwwwwwwwwwed.”

 

-

 

Later that night he tells Tanner about it and cries.

 

Not because the church has caused him pain, but because he has people who will support him through that pain. People who love and support him, not in spite of but _because of_ his sexuality. He’d never let himself even imagine that as a possibility Before. But it’s real. He’s Here, and he is loved.

**Author's Note:**

> TIMELINE WHAT’S A TIMELINE
> 
> no really, i have no idea when february and october 2018 are in relation to canon. i’ve chosen somewhere future-ish where seb and tanner have Passed The Relationship Milestone of having a key to each other’s apartments, but honestly who knows. not me.
> 
> again! these are based on 100% true things that the most highly-regarded church leaders said! in public! in talks thoughtfully and prayerfully prepared to gIVE IN PUBLIC AND BE LISTENED TO
> 
> part one reference:   
> <https://www.sltrib.com/religion/2018/02/19/satan-temps-us-to-love-as-we-should-not-love-lds-prophet-russell-m-nelson-warns-mormon-millennials/>  
> part two references:   
> [https://www.sltrib.com/religion/2018/10/06/mormon-leader-dallin-h/ ](https://www.sltrib.com/religion/2018/10/06/mormon-leader-dallin-h/)  
> [https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2018/10/truth-and-the-plan?lang=eng ](https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2018/10/truth-and-the-plan?lang=eng)  
> 


End file.
